Previews are a strange beast. At once a process of reading the tea leaves of a work in progress in order to predict its future, yet equally a regurgitation of a press release's bare facts in colourful, more palatable ways. The object of the exercise is often to take what the PR company wants to feed you, digesting it to remove the most obvious pieces of fluff and gristle, before passing on any nutrition you've gained to your readership – in a very real sense, acting as the middle section of a games PR human centipede.
And yet, in the process of selecting the legitimately salient details you learn a lot about the game; by the end knowing it better than some of your more distant family members. At this point the preview's done, your deadline is met, and you're left with the feeling you've revised for an exam you'll now never have to sit. To mix metaphors, you're left with all this useless information about its likes and dislikes, its perculiarities and online modes, and despite the fact that (if you're honest) there wasn't really any actual attraction there, you still feel you're owed a second date for a little piece of closure.
So here's my second date. An intimate evening in with, where I finally sit down with the elusive creature I've grown to know, take its top off and tinker around with its nuts and bolts.
So to summarise: in this poorly-considered metaphor Conduit 2 is the hermaphroditic exam paper that I have no interest in but will still sleep with. Which on second thought isn't such a bad way to think about it. High Voltage seem hell-bent on proving there exists an overlooked hardcore demographic on the Wii, who are dying to see the Wiimote's unique FPS-potential finally realised. Their commitment to this myth seems heroically unfazed by the lukewarm responses to Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, GoldenEye 007, or indeed The Conduit. To force in one last metaphor, High Voltage is the clueless aunt that buys you novelty reindeer socks every Christmas because you once politely mentioned that no, you don't in fact own a pair of toe socks.
Sorry, I know the greatest faux pas in a human centipede is to overdo it on the metaphors (that and up and dying on someone so they have to drag around your lifeless corpse), but honestly it's more entertaining than the game itself. It's not awful by any means. It does a passable job as a late-gen Metroid Prime clone to bridge the gap before the inevitable Wii 'Stream' instalment. Indeed, Conduit 2 takes plenty of leaves from Samus' book, with a scan mechanic to navigate levels and reveal hidden elements, liberal door animations to disguise load times and a forgiving aiming reticule to make up for the Wiimote's failings.
And that's it. Those are the positives – and in all honesty, at best they're neutral. To put it out of its undeniable misery, Conduit 2 is an unoriginal, uninteresting, and (when compared to its contemporaries) technically laughable offering that can only exist to attempt to satisfy any 10 year old boy currently demanding a 360 so he can play Black Ops. Following that comparison, Conduit 2 has plenty of COD-ified cutscenes that tear control from your hands for the sake of cinematics, an incomprehensible plot not compelling enough to bother following and can largely be played running in a straight line without much thought where you're going and is arguably preferable that way. While I admit I'm not the biggest COD fan at last those games have the benefit of not looking and playing like a PS2 title.
The games is easy even on 'Medium' and the higher difficulty option actually reads 'Elevated… victory is not assured' suggesting that the prior two modes are largely unfailable. Glitches cause guns to fire without a sound, slowdown makes any serious play utterly pointless and cutscenes will sometimes start even in the middle of a gunfight. Even the characters of Conduit 2 themselves are aware of its faults, and a knowing line pointing out how time-consuming the level design is negates even ignorance as a potential excuse. Constantly 'pinging' your scan device to see where the next checkpoint is both helps and irritates, and quickly becomes a crutch for poor layout.
If the Wiimote was what attracted High Voltage to the system it's not apparent in the controls, as the context-sensitive cover mechanic allows you to flip tables when close enough to them, yet the same button makes you leap in to the air, riddling your character with well-deserving bullets. The same issue occurs with the crouch/run button. Switching to the much-preferred Classic Controller Pro layout doesn't entirely alleviate the difficulties as the run button is positioned so you can not use the right analogue stick, forcing you in to a Gears of War-style rodeo-run.
The main set-piece of the first level is a leviathan, which, given its dues, glistens impressively on the Wii's modest hardware. Unfortunately on your first encounter with the creature the musical queues suggest you must run for cover, so I stared at the wall and enjoyed the lengthy door animation before he disappeared without attacking anyway. When I finally came to fight him it proved to be a repetitive turret hopping affair and it was about that point that I knew I was done.
Conduit 2 commits no unforgivable crime, but in the year Halo celebrates its 10th birthday there simply isn't any good reason to play it -especially if you're under no obligation to review it.
Friday night, post-work gaming time accrued:49 minutes
Will you still love me tomorrow? I'd had enough by 8. Spent the night playing Fallout. Facebook
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